Would You Kindly Be My Valentine?

Coming to you LIVE from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, it's time to celebrate Valentine's Day with Rapture's number one radio dating programme: Would You Kindly! Free from the tyrannical oppression of government broadcasting standards and hosted by the founder of Rapture, Andrew Ryan, Would You Kindly challenges one contestant to choose from three viable paramours (sitting unseen behind a screen) by asking them a series of romance-based questions. So, inject your plasmid of choice, spider-walk to your favorite spot on the ceiling, telekenetically turn up the volume on your radio, and enjoy the show!

Good evening, my friends. This is Andrew Ryan. I hope you are enjoying your Valentine's Day celebration. Tonight I wish to remind each of you that RAPTURE, the utopian paradise I founded at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, is still home to your FAVORITE DATING PROGRAMME! WELCOME to another broadcast of... WOULD! YOU! KINDLY!

I came up with this programme on my own , without the man in Washington , without the man in the Vatican , without the man in Moscow , to distract you from the fact that my perfect city is filling with water and populated by shrieking lunatics and giggling vampire children.

*hesitant, scattered applause*

Here is how the show works. A young woman shall sit here and ask questions of three viable paramours. She will not be able to gaze upon their visages, nor they hers. At the end of the programme, she will select her favorite and they shall enjoy a romantic excursion to Rapture's most expensive, least water-damaged restaurant, where they will sip tonics and dine upon whatever they can find in the trash bins. That's right, a woman CHOOSES, a viable paramour ACCOMPANIES HER TO DINNER! Let us meet our candidate. Please introduce yourself.

Hello! My name is Faith Connors. I live in a futuristic dystopia where I work as a courier, delivering messages for the revolution by running over the rooftops and using acrobatic maneuvers known as parkour .

What? What are you talking about?

I WILL find you, Masked Felon!

I'm right here. You're sitting next to me.

SILENCE! Paramour Three! Would you kindly sign in!

Okay. Paramour One, give me your best pick-up line!

Oracle. I need to you access the mainframe of a popular dating website and compile a list of the most successful pick-up lines. Contact me when you have them.

It's sort of rude to talk into your communicator when I'm talking to you.

Yeah, man. Really.

It's ALL OVER for you, Masked Felon! Did you REALLY think your plan would WORK?

Fellow, what is your deal?

There is NO ESCAPE, Masked Felon! I WILL FIND YOU!

Again, I'm sitting right here. Our knees are almost touching.

Okay, Paramour Two: Describe your perfect date.

Well, it starts with us moving quickly and silently over rooftops and ledges to avoid being seen by patrolling guards.

I'm listening.

Then, we slip down to street level and into my favorite cafe, where I subdue everyone to give us some privacy. Non-lethally, of course!

Nonlethal takedowns? You're speaking my language.

Then, I summon a swarm of rats to eat all the unconscious bodies, and my magic mechanical heart tells me all about you in a voice only I can hear!

Ooh, you lost me at the end there. Nice try! Paramour Three, describe our romantic first encounter.

Chris started playing PC games in the 1980s, started writing about them in the early 2000s, and (finally) started getting paid to write about them in the late 2000s. Following a few years as a regular freelancer, PC Gamer hired him in 2014, probably so he'd stop emailing them asking for more work. Chris has a love-hate relationship with survival games and an unhealthy fascination with the inner lives of NPCs. He's also a fan of offbeat simulation games, mods, and ignoring storylines in RPGs so he can make up his own.