The turtle pope from Elden Ring is now a plushie, and I've never felt an urge to pet so strong

Miriel, the Pastor of Vows, otherwise known as that one turtle dog everyone wants to pet from Elden Ring, has been transformed by Youtooz into a plushie. My sudden, all-consuming urge to crush it with both hands might be the first time I've felt anything violent towards this guy.

If you've not played Elden Ring, Miriel is a big turtle in a pope hat that hangs out at the Church of Vows, able to absolve your sins and supply you with faith magic. If you have played Elden Ring and you haven't found him, here's a guide on how to do that, because you should.

He also happens to be the chillest NPC in all of FromSoftware canon, just barely beating Solaire—known by the fanbase as "sun bro"—out of the running. And now he's here, in the real world. You can pet him. What a time to be alive.

The description, punctuated entirely with exclamation points, promises that the plushie is "9 inches tall", "packed to the seams with 100% PP cotton", and "absolutely perfect for cuddling". I do sort of think it looks like a standard turtle plushie design with a pope hat stapled to it, but Miriel's in-game equivalent is just a literal turtle with a hat, so it's fitting.

The turtle pope plushie only ships to the United States and Canada, which fills my UK heart with an incandescent rage and a bottomless sorrow, and will run you $29.99 USD. There are also a couple of less cuddly Elden Ring items available, such as a statue of Iron First Alexander or Melina, but do either really hold a candle to turtle pope? I think not.