We thought about writing an E3 press conference drinking game, but after about 10 minutes we realized that to play the game we were proposing would be irresponsible and unsafe. These things are simply going to happen too often to bring alcohol into it. So let's call it a checklist, and see if we can check everything off, with or without beverages. This is last year's list, but updated (again). It didn't need to be changed a lot.
There are over a lot of E3 clichés and left-field predictions on this list. We bet we'll be able to check off at least half of them, if not many more. Here's the full E3 schedule so you know when and where to watch. Here we go...
All press conferences and streams
• "We've listened to your feedback."
• A game "transports us to new worlds," "inspires," or "pushes the boundaries."
• A hearty "thank you" to the community, fans, or gamers at large.
• Cheeky reference to something that leaked.
• A celebrity looks like they don't want to be there.
• Hand gestures suggesting the speaker has never used hands before.
• A trailer that features a stomp-clap song.
• A trailer that features a classic song covered at half-speed with haunting vocals.
• Someone wears a Raptors, Warriors, Bruins, or Blues jersey on stage.
• Terry Crews
Ubisoft
• If Yves Guillemot's smile makes you feel something, drink.
• They play games outside for some reason.
• A dance routine that the audience isn't really sure how to react to.
• Someone smiles awkwardly after they throw to another segment and the camera stays on them.
• There's a stilted, staged conversation between teammates in a co-op demo.
Microsoft
• Phil Spencer wears a videogame shirt. If he rips open another shirt to reveal it, chug whatever drink you're holding (please let it be healthy, delicious water). If he points to it and nods, chug again (there is a real likelihood of this happening, so please be responsible).
• A car rises, or is lowered.
• A guy explains what games mean and are, how they "bring people together."
• A rapid montage of trailers.
• "Real gameplay."
Bethesda
• Todd Howard swears.
• Pete Hines clasps his hands in front of his chest like a doctor delivering bad news.
• Skyrim is announced for a device or platform it has not yet come to.
• We're reminded that Starfield and The Elder Scrolls 6 are years away.
• Musical interlude.
• "Our card game still exists, thanks."
The PC Gaming Show
• Wow, we really set ourselves up to make fun of our own show here.
• This is awkward.
• Plus, we already know what will be there, so it doesn't really work.
• We hope there are no technical issues, but we'll check this off if there are.
• Look, a lot can go wrong at live events.
• They take a lot of work and it isn't nice to nitpick.
• Do some of our segments sometimes go on a little too long? OK, yes.
• But that's no reason for snide comments.
• An Epic Games Store exclusive.
Square Enix
• Someone has Thor’s hammer.
• It feels like the show was produced for E3 2009.
• It's mostly just a bunch of trailers which is actually a bit refreshing after all the talking.
